Tequila merchant at Agave Girls Tequila Tasting at the Vive Lounge in Pomona: "Añejo's been in the wood for eighteen months."
Me: (Giggle, giggle)
Me: "I like a kick in my tequila."
Jackie: "What are the other flavors?"
Flavored-tequila merchant: "You have beautiful eyes. Why don't you use them to look at the bottles?"
Me: (Thought only) She doesn't have her glasses, asshole.
Jackie, walking away: "...last I checked, they'd hired you to cater our ass..."
Jackie to Paquí tequila seller: "Does all tequila come from Jalisco?"
Me: : /
Jackie to me, after bonding over reposado tequila with a guy: "He's the male version of Ugly Betty."
* * * * *
Jackie: "I need to find my zen."
Me: "We found fall!"
Me: "What am I doing? I'm going to turn back!"
Jackie: "You're doing fine, you're doing fine."
Me: "The Weather Channel said it'd be 50 and sunny."
Me: "They didn't lie. It is sunny!"
Jackie: "Aw, these houses are made of... cabin!"
Me: : /
Jackie: "Let's paint."
Me: "It's too cold. Our fingers will fall off."
Me to Jackie: "You know I'm going to be driving through that later."
Old lady to another in a Big Bear boutique shop: "Where is that place you get your nuts from?"
Me, as I take deep breaths driving down the mountain: "We're the only morons heading down. Indian food, winding road, plus fog is no bueno."
Jackie, carsick: "My esophagus is burning."
* * * * *
Jackie, walking behind me: (Laughing)
Me, turning around: (Searching for the funny thing)
Jackie: "So, you got that shirt on clearance?"
Girl walking with a group of friends who stopped to talk to Jackie: "Hi. We're doing a scavenger hunt with our church and I just wanted to tell you that Jesus loves you."
Me to Jackie, after the kids walked away: "Why doesn't Jesus love me?"
I decided to try tampons for the very first time at my tender age of 31. Why now? Why not?
Call me old school or a goody two-shoes, I will not be offended. I don't drink to get drunk, I've never smoked anything, I don't take days off work just because, I'm punctual 98% of the time, and I've only ever worn Always feminine napkins since I got my first period.
I was in sixth grade when my body announced that it was physiologically ready to have babies, at least that's how my mother put it after handing me a bulky no-name pad. I was in the girls restroom goofing off with my friends when I suddenly felt a little rush of something come out of my body. Since I had been laughing hard, I thought I had just peed a little from the excitement. But you can bet my laughter stopped there. I stood in the middle of the restroom while the girls hid or ran from stall to stall. I wondered if they could see my wet pants. But no one said anything. And then the bell rang. I was too scared to check exactly what I had felt. Instead, I simply tugged at my long white sweater over my butt and hoped that I wouldn't start to emit a urine stench in class like a homeless person.
That can be classified as one of the longest days of my life. Especially because we had to practice one last time in the afternoon for the Cinco de mayo festivities that took place at my elementary school every year. My partner was my crush Jose. On a regular day, I pretended that I didn't want to hold his hands by pulling my sweater over my hands. He appreciated that which was why I did it. But on this particular day, I wasn't worried about his supposed cooties as much as him turning me around so that my sweater rose and exposed a big wet stain. But I lucked out. No one pointed out anything. And 2:30 finally arrived. My mom picked my sister and me up and I headed straight to the bathroom where I saw a burgundy puddle of blood collected in my underwear. Some of it had also stained the seam on the crotch of my jeans.
I gasped with fear. I didn't know how I could have hurt myself to have bled so much. But then it clicked. The videos and talks and goody bags loaded with deodorants and pads came to me. I had gotten my first period.
Embarrassed, but having no other choice, I looked for my mom in her room. I told her what I had seen and she told me to strip down. I got a clean pair of underwear and headed back to the bathroom. There, she showed me a pad that was an inch thick. She turned it around to show me how to remove the adhesive and tape it to my undies. I locked the doors behind her (the bathroom had two entrances) and got to it. It was so uncomfortable having this thing between my body and my pants. But I knew I had to get accustomed to this new life once a month until I was very old.
I went back to my room to collect my dirty clothes when my mom walked by and said, "You can get pregnant now." I froze with my jeans dangling from my hands as I stared at the spot on the wall where my mom had been when she had spoken. She didn't sit with me to explain what was happening. She just did what she had always done, and still does, which was instill fear in me.
I bled through the pad that night and woke up with my underwear, pajamas, and sheets stained. I didn't want to go to school because I was afraid it would happen again there too. So my mom let me stay home for the first time since third grade when my sister and I missed two weeks because we went to Mexico. That meant I was going to miss the performance. I felt bittersweet because as much as I was embarrassed to dance with Jose, I didn't want anyone else dancing with him. I dug through a cardboard drawer and found the goody bag I had received in fifth grade. The Always pad was thin compared to my mom's and it came in a pretty wrapper. I decided to give that one a try and poof! My period became tolerable. I didn't feel like I was wearing a diaper anymore and I didn't leave a mark anywhere. But that had been the only Always pad I had and that's all I wanted to wear until the curse was over. But I was afraid that my dad wouldn't buy them for me because they were name-brand and more expensive than the generic ones he had accustomed my mother to getting. But he did. We headed to Target that evening and I relaxed with my Always feminine napkin pack in my possession.
And that's what I've used ever since. That's what my sister used two or three years later when she started her period and it's what my mother eventually switched to when I was in high school. These pads have not always (no pun intended) been as comfortable as that first time in sixth grade but I've been too scared to try anything else. Jackie started using tampons in college and raved about them the few times we discussed feminine matters. But I couldn't fathom sticking something up my body and leaving it there for hours at a time. What if it got stuck? What if the tampon bled through? I wore different underwear the days of my menstruation because I wanted the pad to be secure and there were times I could hear it as I walked and that was embarrassing. But feminine napkins were the most sanitary way to battle through the inevitable. Until I started to reconsider a few months ago.
Earlier this year, my life plan fell off course and it was suddenly unpredictable. Change terrifies me but I found myself liking this new-found freedom that I should have experienced a decade ago. Part of that was finally giving tampons a try. I bought a small multi-pack last month during my last cycle but chickened out. So I prepped myself for it when I started PMSing this time around and finally took the plunge when I felt that the eagle was about to land.
I looked for instructions all over the box and found no real guidance other than proper disposal. When I opened it, I felt relieved to see a cheat-sheet with diagrams and all. I knew I could do it but didn't want to without first asking my sister, a professional, how it was done. This is how our conversation went:
Me: This tampon stuff. Scary. Read the directions like three times. Do you wear a pantiliner?
Jackie: Yep. Hate pads. Not scary. Scary that you can't feel it & then u forget you've been wearing it 8 hours!
Me: So you insert the plastic thing inside and slip the tampon in, discard plastic, and then pull tampon out when done?
Jackie: They have applicator, right?
Me: Yes, plastic applicator. But... don't you have to take it out to pee?????
Jackie: Sister!!!!! Different holes! Take a biology class! Me: Pee through the front, insert through the... middle? Gosh, I better YouTube this.
This is the video I actually watched as I exchanged texts with Jackie.
Jackie: Place inside, pull applicator out. Only string should be external really. Don't remove to pee/shower/gym... etc. I can't believe this lmao. U have a urethra (don't try having sex in that hole) then u have a vagina. Have lots of sex through that hole... but that's also the one u stick a tampon into (& possibly any other items of your choosing, but that's between you and your victim... err... partner).
Me: According to the YouTube girl, I already did good cuz I got a plastic applicator and am using Tampax Pearl cuz it's round.
Jackie: If you just started your period & bleeding like someone shot your vagina it should go in easily (cause really, it's natural lubrication...)
Me: Tampon hole = penis hole?
Jackie: TH = PH = BVBH (Big vagina baby hole). I suppose you'd always have to use extra super absorbency tampons after that :/
Me: Do you flush the tampon??? Girl said yes but no, right? And how does the string not get wet when you pee?
Jackie: I used to all the time, then some people say you shouldn't but I think you can. So if I'm going to someone's house I don't flush it just in case their toilet sucks, but in a public restroom yeah, fuck it. Not my toilet. And they should be heavy duty toilets to withstand everyone's crap, no pun intended. So technically, a yes. If your toilet works pretty well then it will definitely be able to handle it.
Me: Damn, so complicated.
Jackie: [String] might get wet, but u have a pantiliner who cares. Plus it won't get soaked. Sometimes the string will just get lost tucked back :) I guarantee all of these 1st world problems are 100x better than the swoosh swoosh of a bulky pad.
I didn't test the tampon that night because I didn't have enough natural lubrication yet. Or the next morning. Yes, I chickened out. I talked about my tampon-virgin experience with my coworker and she couldn't believe it, like Jackie, that I didn't use them. But then on my way home I spoke with another friend and she said she didn't like them. So I had to experience the thing for myself to figure out if I was going to become a modern woman or continue living in the dark ages.
Evening came. I was on the phone with Jackie. She was recounting a conversation she had with a classmate when I decided it was time. As she talked, I laughed nervously on my toilet. Once it was all over, I cut her off by whispering, "Hey, hey," but she didn't hear me. She continued chatting. So I tried again, "Hey, hey," and she finally shut up.
"What," she asked.
"I did it," I giggled.
"Did you discard a part of it," she asked, hopefully not because I'm stupid but because she was concerned I'd done everything right.
"Yes," I said.
I gave it a test run until night time when I had to revert back to my pad ways for sleep. But I jumped on the horse again the next morning and rode it all day. I have to say, I didn't love it the way my sister does. It's a more complicated process, I think, and that might be because I'm not used to it, although it was nice not feeling or hearing the swoosh-swoosh like Jackie said. I'm not ready to give up on tampons just yet, though. I like options, like tall brown boots or short black ones, contacts or glasses, and now tampons or pads.
