Bowling, Dancing, and Green Masks... Oh my!

My friends decided to come to me last weekend. While some live only ten minutes away, the others are an hour or six, depending on their method of transportation. I had two pending parties scheduled but it was easy to give them up for a rare weekend with my girls.

The fun started on Friday night with a triple-date. Suzanna, Maria, and I, along with our significant others, met up at a Thai restaurant where the laughs quickly started. These girls have been making tears roll down my face since 2004. I actually met Maria first at our college Chicano graduation. We were sitting next to each other in alphabetical order. There was a classmate breaking the record for the world's longest speech on the stage when Maria made a joke about it. I turned to my left and giggled with her. Then I made another witty comment about the girl at the podium and Maria laughed too. That's when I thought, I like this girl. She's pretty damn funny. She made the ceremony bearable but I didn't expect to come across her again. So it was a very pleasant surprise for me when she walked into the course I was taking to get my teaching credential. She introduced me to her best friend Suzanna, who was just as quirky, and the rest was history. I am thankful now that I didn't own a car or possess a driver's license then because I wouldn't have built the friendship we have had they not driven me to our student-teaching site for four months.



Round two: bowling. Check out our nails! As colorful as we are.

 

Then we graduated, again. Our busy adult lives inevitably took effect and now we only see each other a few times a year. But I can assure you that we make up for lost time by laughing all night. Actually, if you ever want to see me smiling constantly, just take me to these two girls. You won't even recognize me...

Round three: dancing. A Selena potpourri gets us going every time.

On Saturday, I headed to my parent's house in L.A. to see my sister. She carpooled with two other So Cal girls also living in Nor Cal. I had not seen her since May when I flew to Oakland. It's a shame that we live so far away because it's difficult to build a relationship through email or phone messages. But we are trying. We had a quiet evening as a family and then got really crazy when we decided to put on a tea tree oil mask, sip on the new lime-a-ritas I bought at Food-4-Less with 8% alcohol volume per each eight ounce can, and watch a movie. We knocked out during the latter half of Moneyball. It's a great movie, don't get me wrong, exhaustion simply took over.



Lack of sleep + drink with 8% alcohol = this

And last but not least, I met up with another friend of mine on Sunday who also ditched me for Nor Cal after she graduated with her B.A. I met Yesica as a sophomore in college. She was one of my residents when I was a staff member. We joined folklórico and eventually became teachers in opposite ends of the state. We also ran a close race completing grad school. Her life is now complete-- husband, baby, house, dog, career. I never expected her to wait for me until I caught up with her in relation to these aspects of life but I am very happy for her.

Baby was all smiles when the camera was off, I swear.

I hate spending so little time with these girls. The only thing I can do is seize the precious moments we do share. In between visits, I have to remember to utilize my phone and Facebook the way they were intended to: to keep in touch with my best friends.

How To Lose a Pound in Eight Days

Before you start this significant weight loss program, you have to agree to throw your weekly regime out the door. You must ensure eight blissful days off Super Woman duties to get rid of any excess stress that is scientifically proven to increase fat or inches or numbers on a scale. This includes but is not limited to a Curves workout, blogging, laundry (with the exception of bed sheets because the extreme temperatures will have made you sweat right through them), cleaning, and calling your mother for unnecessary reasons other than the standard Wednesday call. You will not see any results if your body, mind, and spirit don't find a guilt-free place.

Are you ready now? Let's go!

Day 1: On Monday, meet up with your significant other at the Old Spaghetti Factory. Throw on the little black dress you've been hanging on to for emergencies and walk in your stilettos like a high-end hooker towards the bar fifteen minutes prior to the scheduled time. Order a Factory Punch and pretend to watch NBC on the big screen. Relax your shoulders. Perhaps you'll attract the attention of the opposite sex (or the same sex if that's your preference) to build up your self-esteem and make you more desirable when your partner walks in, creating a win-win situation for all. At the table, remember first-date etiquette--be attentive, look into his eyes as he speaks, ask a lot of questions, and tell him your opinion. Execute your manners by not finishing your spaghetti with rich meat sauce. This will take will-power but remember, you won't have to cook later on in the week.

Day 2: On Tuesday, pick up Papa John's pizza for you and your significant other. Not only will he appreciate the impromptu pizza and beer night but love you more for it because that's exactly what he had mentioned craving on Monday night.

Day 3: On Wednesday, stay home and reheat that OSF meal. Then, sit on that couch that you never utilize and watch local programming instead of your Gilmore Girls DVD collection. Don't be embarrassed to laugh out loud at the morons on Wipeout.

Day 4: Work overtime on Thursday so it will become too late to cook. Head to your local Jack in the Box with your man. Order a chicken sandwich with tomato, small fries, and a small drink from the Value Menu. Chew slowly so you can stay full longer.  This will also cause your man to regret his $5.99 burger meal and crave the cheap stuff because you made it look so damn scrumptious.

Day 5: On Friday, head to the Colorado River for the weekend to relieve yourself of the 107-degree weather. Snack on a cheeseburger from McDonald's while you watch a wind storm touch down around you on the I-10. The atomic-bomb looking cloud to your right and the limited visibility before you will distract you, causing Sparky, your man's best friend, to steal a lick of your burger's last bite. But don't worry. This will only give you an excuse to dig into the bag for yet another cheeseburger to make up for the lost piece.

The atomic-bomb cloud

You won't be driving, but you will be paying attention to the road as if you were.

When you arrive at your humble lodging, have some home-made refried beans and flour tortillas; there is nothing like comfort food. Later, head to your local Albertson's to prepare for your Colorado River trip-- a small bag of Flamin' Hot Cheetos that fit into your purse so you won't have to share with the children in your significant other's family, a Family Size bag of Flamin' Hot Cheetos for the kids, cherries, oranges, and water.

The wind storm will touch down where you decided to rest and wake you up at 5am.

Day 6: On Saturday, have some Honey Nut Cheerios for breakfast. The fresh milk will balance out your body temperature. Soon after, grab the Family Size bag of chips you bought because it's on the table. Suck on a couple of those while you watch TV. Around noon, ask your man to make you a ham sandwich. Make it a balanced meal by washing some cherries and keeping the Hot Cheetos close at hand. Around three, have carne con chile with more beans and a flour tortilla. By four, you'll be ready to head to the river with a full stomach. This will allow you to pack light. Tow a couple of bottles of water, the sack of oranges, and the cherries you purchased last night to help keep you hydrated.

What the river will look like

Child's play toys left behind

Children's footprints will seem cute in 116-degree weather

The rainbow you'll see when you get home, which will be replaced by lightning within a couple of minutes

Once home, have Pizza Hut pizza in the cooled down 110-degree temperature outdoors. You will only have one slice of pepperoni because the Cheetos have filled you up like a blimp. That will not stop you from downing an Oreo shake from Carl's Jr., though. Then, take a shower and watch Big Miracle because it is a "feel good" film. And don't forget to grab your Cheetos.

Day 7: On Sunday, grab another bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios before heading to church. You've fainted before and don't want to take away the attention of the locals on your weekend excursion. Ignore the cell phone ringing in the pew behind you but do give the man an annoyed look when he answers. Shake your head when he answers a second time but remember that God is the only one allowed to judge him. After mass, follow the crowd to Denny's and order the Grand Slamwich. You might have never been a sausage fan before but you will change your disposition after your first bite. Help it go down with a strawberry lemonade. Back at your resting quarters, eat a few more Cheetos before hiding the bag away for good. At 3pm, have a grilled chicken leg, three tostadas with the chile rojo, and another flour tortilla to go with more beans because it'll be months before you have another meal like that again.

Day 8: On Monday, return to your regular schedule. Eat oatmeal for breakfast, a snack-size amount of Planter's Energy Mix nuts, Lean Cuisine for lunch, cherries as a second snack, a Fiber One granola bar after work, and 3/4 cup of Special K Vanilla Almond cereal before heading to Curves. Complete the 30-minute workout, stretch, do 60 crunches, and then hold your breath as you step on the scale. You did it! You lost one pound without even trying! Your five-foot, seven-inch frame hadn't weighed 134 since high school. That is something to be proud of.

Repeat every couple of months.

(Disclaimer: Individual results not typical and will vary. If you decide to commit to this non-diet program, make sure you partake in the activities mentioned above in temperatures that exceed 100 degrees to increase your chances.)

Building Character

I just went to my six-month dental check-up and the first thing the dentist told the assistant to jot in my file was, "Ortho, ortho, ortho."  It happens every six months.  A new dentist sees me and refers me to the orthodontist.  I give the same response every time: I've already seen him...twice.  Not interested.

I have always been aware of my need for braces.  In second grade, my top left central incisor came out before my baby one had fallen out.  As a result, the new one pushed the baby one outward. The rows of teeth I was acquiring caused my teacher concern.

"You need to go to the dentist," she said.
I've been conscious about my teeth ever since.

I visited the dentist as a kid a couple of times.  I remember the negative-looking x-rays that used to be hung on a lit wall-hanging and the pain of getting fillings even after getting shot with a dose of anesthesia.  But it wasn't until I was in high school and in love with one of the football players that I started to desire a perfect smile so I could possibly, perhaps, maybe have the balls to approach him.  I had an ortho consultation and got an estimate of the cost but my dad said he couldn't afford it.  To hold me over what were supposed to be the best years of my life, a dentist filled in a yellowing tooth with a cavity, my top left latelar incisor.  My improved smile didn't get me the guy but it did postpone my want for braces for over a decade.

A few years ago, I noticed a trend within women my age.  Three of my friends were being mistaken for teenagers after obtaining shiny metal contraptions in their mouths.  They were finally tackling an aesthetic issue their fathers couldn't afford in the 90s either.  So I considered braces again, not wanting to be featured in the last page of a fashion magazine with a black bar across my eyes for failing to follow the latest style.  I saw an ortho for the second time but was deterred by talk of permanent retainers.  Knowing I'd have to wear retainers to sleep for the rest of my life was one deal breaker. A second was the two-year commitment followed by the thousands of dollars I was going to have to shell out.  I was in grad school at the time and used that as an excuse as to why I couldn't afford them then.  But since I graduated, I say that I'm saving the money for a down payment on a house. 

The truth is that my teeth don't bother me that much anymore.  After another dentist touched up my yellow tooth in January, I felt they way I assume people feel when they have their braces removed.  I felt confident, relieved that I no longer had to look down when I laughed to hide my most obvious dental imperfection, and thankful for not just having one "good side" anymore when it came to getting my picture taken.  My bottom teeth are the ones that are crooked anyway and since you can't notice them in pictures, I let go of the braces idea.  My previous dentist told me straightening my teeth would help flossing and cleaning, etcetera, etcetera, but those were my healthiest teeth and gums according to my last visit.  Plus, if celebrities choose to live with crooked teeth, so can I, a regular person with a regular job doing regular things.

Take the most famous one, for example, Jewel.  I still have her first album, Pieces of You.  I remember being in ninth grade when my best friend Aurora gave me the cassette for my birthday inside a jewelry box. Get it?  Jewel in a jewelry box? Moving right along....She is infamous for her crooked teeth.  I think it was her who was quoted saying that messed-up teeth builds character.  I'm going to take her advice and run with it.  I know she recently tweeted a picture with straight choppers but the way I understood it, she was sporting that smile for a movie role only. 

My next example might be hard to believe, but Scarlett Johansson caught my eye in The Avengers, and not because she had an enviable body in that leather costume.  One of her lateral incisors is overlapping a front tooth and that was I all could focus on whenever she appeared in a scene.

If you look closely, you'll see what I'm talking about.  I think she pouts so she can hide it but she couldn't escape my eye.

And last but not least, there is Will Farrell, who shares my problem: a crooked set of lower pearly whites.  His are worse than mine.  It was hard not to notice them in Step Brothers.  Here's a bad looking scene. 

And with that, I leave you with a picture of my friend and me.  We have probably spent the equivalent of a set of braces on other dental procedures without the need of twisted wires, rubber bands, or retainers.  I consider ourselves lucky.

What crooked teeth??? We are flawless!